


Liar

by cosmotronic



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, Post-Game, Romance, Sad, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 13:16:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8057872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmotronic/pseuds/cosmotronic
Summary: The war is over, Ashley knows.  Shepard pretends to believe.





	Liar

**Author's Note:**

> A **warning** : this story contains a reference to suicide and a tiny hint of dub-con. It's barely there but could be an issue for some.
> 
> If that's okay for you, please read on. Comments and feedback are welcome.

Ashley wears white at their wedding. A marine officer's whites, gold braid and sharp pressed lines against soft plains. A pure bright contrast to Shepard's inky vision in blue. Dress blues, so familiar; second only to her armour it is her most comfortable cloak.

Ashley will wear a magnificent gown for Shepard one day. One day she will hang on Shepard's strong arm and Shepard will grin a happy grin, laugh a joyous laugh and shout their love for all to hear.

That day is not today. Today they are soldiers. Her pledge is to her brave, selfless lover rather than a military doctrine but still, Ashley is prepared to fight all their battles, win all the wars to come. She lost her belief in Shepard once, never again. Today they will dance the close dance and she will whisper her love for Shepard to hear.

She takes Shepard's thin hands, runs her thumbs over roughened flesh as she vows tender and devoted and fierce and defiant to a woman who hangs on to her every word, starving. Ashley pours herself into this moment, Shepard's sunken gaze drinking deeply from her, absorbing all that she is. Shepard looks at her as though she is the most precious thing in the galaxy, the only thing that matters, the only thing worth saving.

There is a scar on Shepard's gaunt cheek, another curls her lip, a streaking of too-soon grey worries her temples. Damaged and still achingly beautiful, though she no longer commands the room the way Ashley remembers. It isn't the weak frame, the wasted muscle, the way she favours her right side; it’s that Shepard's spark, her swagger, her infectious confidence is gone, taken.

Shepard tries, of course; nods and smiles and stands tall for followers and friends, and especially for those few who fought beside them. Always the brightest star, always the hero they need her to be, never complaining. She makes small conversation, she eats when Ashley reminds her to. She gets up and goes outside, walks and talks and makes all the right motions, all the right noises. Occasionally she looks up at the sky wistfully, as though she wishes she were out adventuring among the stars once more. It's a fine flourish. It fools all the rest but Ashley can see the act, a script for an audience of one.

She forgets sometimes. Ashley sees her unbelieving glances about, unnerved, searching wide and wild as she seeks the trick, waits for the rugpull, the curtain to drop, the illusion to shatter. Then she catches herself and smiles, a razorblade smile that never quite reaches her sad, sad eyes.

The nights are much worse. Ashley is terrified the first time she wakes to see Shepard sitting at the end of their bed, naked and trembling, pistol in hand. Fear reigns sovereign, thrusts cold enduring fingers deep into Ashley's chest. It is a dread torment to hear Shepard whispering a song of oily shadows, as she rocks and clutches her weapon so tightly.

Ashley looks about but sees only the blackness, listens but hears only the hum of night, tries to understand the sounds of colours she can never comprehend. Shadow play and shattered minds, these are things she never trained for. All she knows is to be a good soldier, so she sits and joins Shepard in vigil, lends her a watchful gaze. Time is not inexorable and breaths seem to hang, heartbeats last for hours.

It is agony but eventually time flows back. There must be a doubt within the doubt.

If Shepard's world is nothing but a construct of shadows and lies, then why does she linger? The gun is not an escape tonight, only a lifeline. Ashley holds the tiny hope, infintesimal, that maybe Shepard can escape the current, will come back to her. She is Shepard's anchor in a blanket sea, the only solid tether, drawing her back to shore. She places a hand over a shaking and sweaty grip until the tension releases, allows her to draw the weapon away, to carefully place it on the nightstand. She should lock it away out of sight and mind, she knows, but Shepard would only find another way.

She lies back, easing Shepard down on top of her, head on breast, legs between hers. Ashley's strong arms wrap around her, protecting her, loving her. They won’t sleep a peaceful slumber, they never do.

There are months and years of good days and bad days and long nights. They kiss sweet kisses and, once, Ashley tenderly initiates more, but Shepard plunders her with such desperate need and a fearful intensity she cannot bear. Ashley takes it, yields for her sake but afterwards she cries where her lover will not see. They rarely try again, she thinks Shepard understands.

Ashley is the one to propose. Nothing fancy or romantic; no bended knee, just a simple gold band pressed into a hand with a promise. Shepard would have done it eventually, she knows, though it will always have been tainted with a hesitance of free will, like it is something she is supposed to do. Ashley promises Shepard her proof, if it takes a lifetime to show her.

Shepard's not strong enough to wear her armour, not like when they met so long ago, so Ashley promises to defend her. Promises to guide her. Promises to save her. Shepard trusts that she will try, so today they wear proud uniforms and fight to prove the dream is stronger than the lie.

They will never be whole, Ashley knows this. They are just bent and broken things, body and soul. They will learn to live and grow old together and die, one then the other. There will be no legacy, though she dreamed of starting a family, once upon a time. She has Shepard, that is enough. Even if Shepard never quite believes it.

Shepard does love her, Ashley knows, in her own quiet way.

It is why Shepard allows herself to exist, and why Ashley demands it.

**Author's Note:**

> Believe it or not, this was going to be a happy wedding tale. There must be something wrong with me.


End file.
